'ello Blighty

Seeing as this blog is now at c6000 reads (thanks Mum!) I better start writing some stuff actually 'about' India.  However, first here's a quick squeeze of what I got up to back in  Blighty.

My flight back to the UK took 8.5 hours.  During that time the temperature on the ground outside went from 40 degrees to -2. 

Lucky for me I'm now back in 40 degree land.  And I'm loving Delhi.  Here's what I got up to back in the UK)

• I am legal
• I blow bubbles and celebs see me flex my hips
• Two of the best skype conversations
• My mum and her porno church documentaries
• I am a lightweight
• My material test

I was looking forward to heading back and getting my whites whiter after having 6 months of cleaning my clothes in a bucket.  I was not prepared for the climate though.  I never use the bath but with a 40 degree drop in temperatures I thought it was well justified to use every bubble bath products I could find in the 'guest basket' (aren't mums great?) and defrost.  I filled the whole bathroom with bubbles, any 5 year old would have been proud.  

My main reason for travelling back was to get an employment visa for India.  I've done a few visa applications in my time but this involved paperwork from the last 20 years.  India, if you weren't so amazing I would have given up and gone to a hot beach in SE Asia!  Instead I have an Indian employment visa and plan on being here for a while.

Going home was an interesting test for me.  I know when I've come back from 6 month+ trips before and despite a suntan and a new language I've never really changed too much.   This time was a bit different. 

• I used to go everywhere with my headphones,  filling every spare moment with podcasts, audiobooks etc now I prefer listening to nature - A GOOD CHANGE
• I used to drink coffee - Now I don't like the taste - UNDECIDED
• I used to eat fish and sometimes (if it caused an issue with a friend cooking) eat meat - I now eat neither.  It's worth noting that I lived in Buenos Aires and used to LOVE Steak now I cannot stand the site of it - A GOOD CHANGE

• I used to be a big fan of quality red wine - Now I don't like the taste - WTF??

I have to admit having changed my diet quite dramatically in the last 6 months I feel the healthiest I've ever been. You are what you eat and I feel the healthiest I've ever been.

My material values showed a bit of a change; on the first day back the object I wanted to see first was my Aurorae yoga Mat and despite having a decent car in the garage under a dust sheet I didn't take it out for a spin until my last day.  OK, I admit I missed being a boy racer although it felt kinda funny driving wearing a kurta!

It was great hanging out with mum.  I normally wear thin of 121 time with ma after 2-3 days.  All those classic jokes being repeated every time (the oldest joke in the world - me "I've been thinking" - mum "ohhh that sounds dangerous").  This time, however, was different.  I was meditating and doing yoga every morning (thanks to jetlag I kept up a 6am routine for two weeks!) so I was very chilled and had all the time in the world for my ma.  I even experimented with a day of silence with mum to see if she would appreciate the amount of energy it saved and how chilled out you felt at the end. 

Below is a photo of Wisley Gardens where we went on our silent day: 

Despite the day going well, I got a note from her at 7pm stating that she had done it for 12 hours, and now wanted to watch Corenation Street.  I let her listen to an Andrew Lloydd Webber CD instead, that was her treat ;) She got me back the next day when she had +10 of her church friends round for a discussion video in the evening when I went in the lounge and asked what they were watching she suggested a documentary on Fifty Shades of Grey.  I was silent for quite a while after that. My favourite comedy moment from my mum was her favourite SMS text "LOL".  She used to end every text with LOL.  For example, "That lady Rosemary from down the road died LOL".   It took me a while to realise she wasn't' being sadistic but actually meant "lots of love' - bless.

The rest of the time I was a good son, I did all the odd DIY jobs around the house and cooked Indian Food.  We went to a local Indian Supermarket one day and as I was still in my floaty Rishikesh mood I walked and as soon as I saw an Indian I put my hand to my heart and said "Namaste".  They had a little chuckle and I soon realised it best to keep that sort of gesture to India itself!  

This was my effort at Makina Dalh, it was bloody lurvley :)

And here is a recipe I used for the most amazing Chai Masala  

http://www.chai-tea.org/rec/rec101.html

I am no means a health spa expert but apparently Champneys is all the rage in the UK (http://www.champneys.com/Forest-Mere) so I bought my mum a three day holiday for her birthday and decided to go along too.  It was like a big house full of posh Hen parties; I'm not sure about the health spa but I saw alot of gangs of women in robes drinking Lattes. There were a few guys there including celebs like Gavin Hastings and Sid Owen.  I caught the latter smirking at my rusty salsa moves during a dance class so as revenge here's a photo of him wearing a funny suit.  Fk hang on, he's got a fit girl with him - oh yes, there's a message "Girls like guys who can dance" ;)

I'm not a fan of gyms but have to admit the classes were some of the best I've ever been to.  My highlight, however, was waking up early and doing yoga in a massive studio on my own with amazing views.  

To give you an idea of the demographics at Champneys when the instructors asked if people had injuries the general answer was "I've got a new knee"......."I've got a new hip".  It was like a cross between an episode of Golden girls and Sex in the City.

Me and mum in the grounds at Champneys (my lesson in using a self-timer......I'm taller than my mum):

I was really impressed that they had talks/seminars in the evenings on subjects including  spirituality and nutrition.  However, based on that, I was surprised with the food.  It was hotel food, not healthy food.   Don't get me wrong I love rich food but as a veggie, the menu was impossible and the Nutritional adviser  (who was a vegan......like most nutritional advisers!)  was on a mission to change that :)

I caught up with alot of friends when I was back including a number of skype calls as after 6 months I finally had working wifi.  I got to watch my godson do Gangnan Style (see below) and I had a much overdue Skype conf call with some of the lads who live around the globe.

The conf call had the following agenda.  I've taken the names out but this was a classic call.  The content was like a Tesco Value version of Playboy magazine -classy!:

• Hopes and dreams for 5 years from now
• @@@'s issue with sex
• @@@'s issue with sex
• Does @@@ have any single friends in Delhi and London?
• @@@'s opinion of the property market
• Front crawl lesson
• @@@'s new haircut
• New facebook profile picture for @@@
• Kids

I was gutted I couldn't make it back to Dublin to see my mates there but had to be in London for my visa.  My one night out in London was my first beers in a while and a it was a classic.  

The boys:

The girls:

I was hour late for dinner and missed my train home.  I used to be little my organised, seems I've chilaxed a beet!

Although I didn't enjoy wine when I was back in the UK I am determined to get the taste back.  Below is a photo of my checked in luggage coming back here.  The chocs were presents for the office and the wine is all for me :)  I've a friend over from Ireland next weekend so I'm hoping they can help me with a few bottles!

Quite a few people have asked me to write about living in India as opposed to just mad stuff that happens here so I'm going  to dip into some cultural discussion in my next post.  I've been positive about India in all my blogs but I need just to point out some facts:

• Why Indians are one of the least altruistic people in the world (WORLD GIVING SURVEY) 
• Why Indians have bad manners (LONELY PLANET)
• Why women in India have a hard time (REUTERS)
• Why Gang Rape in India is part of the culture (INDIAN TIMES)
• Why India is so corrupt (WORLD BANK)
• Why Indians have no concept of noise pollution (MR FLACK)

These are all things that are changing for the better and I'll be discussing my thoughts in the next post.  If you've anything you'd like me to cover off leave a comment!

I'm coming home .......Pt II

++ PARENTAL WARNING THIS POST CONTAINS NUDITY ++

I can explain.....before I do that, as this is Pt II I should summarise what we've already covered:

• First steps to self realisation and I get certified - done
• Confessions of a guy addicted to girls
• I get brainwashed
• Naked men, massage oil and pillow talk 
• A very brief hello to Europe - done
• The importance of sugar cubes
• I want a cow for a pet 

+++NEW FUN ADDITIONS+++

• Tantric learnings
• How to punch a Sikh in the face

After Cochin came an interesting decision.  My next project had been delayed, so I had the month of March to travel in India with my main goal to rest my akle.  I also had another goal; a resolution.  I spend a lot of my time chasing girls.  This video summarises how I feel about girls:

So I decided to try something.  For the month of March, I would not put any energy into pursuing a girl I fancy other than just friendly chat.  Day 1 in Cochin had been a massive test with two hot swiss girls joining me at the breakfast table I felt like I was auditioning for a Lynx/AXE ad.  Day 1 went well, we had a laugh and I then joined my friends for coffee with no diversions; it's now April 1st and I can confirm it went jolly well.  My good friend Kate had persuaded me that Rishikesh would be a good place to go chill based on the spiritual vibe there and lack of distraction of bikinis. I was leaning toward Gokarna as I thought it might be good to light up a pipe, stick my foot in the air and watch the pretty girls go by on the beach.  However, as sand and crutches don't work and I was curious about developing my spiritual self I chose Rishikesh.  Good choice (and more on my resolution later).

I flew up to Rishikesh as despite my fondness for Indian Rail crutches are just not special in India, you get no special help on the train so 2 days of rail travel didn't appeal.  Crutches also had the disadvantage of attracting odd well wishers including a Welsh kagool wearing old geez at the airport.  Kagool Man was magnetically attracted to me in the queue as I was white then proceeded to tell me how even after his 15 trips to India he still trusted no-one and wasn't surprised that I had broken a bone (his assumption) in this dangerous land.  I answered simply that I loved India and it was me who was the eejit by getting drunk and riding a moped too fast through the streets of Goa.  Luckily after that he hid in his kagool hood for most of the flight.  The journey reminded me that no-matter what mode of transport you take in India noise is always present as two of my Indian neighbours were watching films on their smartphones with no headphones.  I like Bollywood  but I prefer sleep.  W@nkers.

After meeting some friends for lunch in Delhi I headed north on the train towards Rishikesh.  This was my first day in North India. Everyone had said how different it was but apart from the Himalayas taunting me on the horizon it looked 'same same' to me.  I soon discovered that although there was still the constant barrage of horns and people talking loud something felt more spiritual.  Rishikesh, Uttarakhand is known as the lord of the senses and that it is.  A city in the shadows of the foothills of the Himalayas on Lady Ganga (The Ganges); it is overloaded with backpackers and pumps out a bus load of new yoga teacher each day like robots and it's where I started to piece together my jigsaw of India.  This was the first place I'd been in India where people were just walking around in a state of bliss and it wasn't just the local weed. 

I spent my days in Rishikesh doing yoga and meditation early then going to Satsangs. 
Satsangs are meetings with 'The Highest Truth'.  In the Satsangs I went to there were Gurus, Mooji and Prem Baba.  I'd never even heard of a Satsang until February, however, having started to learn about Yoga in a big picture I wanted to at least try it.  In the spiritual world gurus are people who have found enlightenment, basically they are at total peace.  Satsangs are where they share their knowledge with followers from all around the world who travel to be in the audience with the likes of Mooji and Prem Baba.  Cults, brainwashing, millionaire gurus are all negative PR these guys might get but I loved the experience and saw none of that.  I spend most of my time going to see Satsangs with Mooji, a very chilled Caribbean guy who just by his very nature of being in the room offered a feeling of immediate peace and tranquility.  This guy is for real.  Most of the questions relate to self improvement, the sort of questions you might ask a therapist, your friends or just build up inside and never ask anyone.  Mooji's answers inspired me and made me feel alive inside.  I can highly recommend the experience for anyone, even if it's just spending time listening to the Q&A on his website http://www.mooji.org/mooji_answers.html

The skeptical side of me enjoyed the funny side of Satsangs.  At Mooji's Satsang there was an outer hall where people would do yoga and meditate before or during the Satsang frequently getting into advanced yoga poses whilst The Mooj was in discussion which made you wonder whether they should be listening harder.  There was also a fine line in the greeting from the staff; a smile showing the glow of inner peace looks very similar to 'haha FUCK YOU', or maybe that's just my paranoia ;).   People came in their various exotic outfits, many cried, some screamed and some shook their heads throughout the 3 hour meetings trying to get into a trance.  However, I think most people although happy to listen were interested most in questions which effected them.  I remember a guy going up and just asking a simple question about being in love and the inevitable distraction by other girls.  My ears soon perked up, and Mooji offered some very good advice.  Let it happen, and that's what I did.

As I wanted to learn a bit more about Ayurveda after the intro at YTT and have an interest in massage I decided to sign up for a 7 day intense Ayurveda Massage Teacher course.  The course meant me studying with a doctor and doing the sort of thing shown below for 7 days.  It strengthened my belief in the power of Ayurveda but rubbing oil into a guys butt crack was weird.  The experience, however, came in handy as you'll see later in the post.

Me with the massage team after graduating :)

I met a lot of very cool people in Rishikesh.  There were always the normal backpacker types around asking you where you'd been and why you'd missed XY and Z when it was the most amazeballs experience ever, then there was a different type of traveller which I'd not come across before.  The curious.  We all like to do crazy things when we travel but usually questions on life only really come into play after a bong or a lot of alcohol and yet it was par for the course in Rishikesh.  Travellers there wanted to know more and it was fascinating   One day after a study session with my Ayurveda session in which she had described how in Ayurveda sex was a means only for reproduction and that it should be done strictly in missionary and only after dark something happened.  Firstly, I questioned my following of Ayurveda, then second the group of friends that I'd been testing out my massage skills on suggested we all watch some of the videos that they had been meaning to watch during their Tantric course.  

Sex is only 5% of Tantric but it's the part that gets most of us interested and I'm now hooked.  Only the girls from the group showed up at my room to watch the vids, educational films on Tantric massage, or as I like to call it Porn with narrative.  It was a very educational afternoon in which we debated the advantages of such skills, and decided that we best put them into practice.  I've been lucky enough to be in similar situations before, infact I even lost my v-plates in a multi-player situation.  But, SHITE, my resolution.  Well, lucky for me we'd just been having a chat, a laff, and then things just...moved on.  I wasn't chasing any girl. If I was it would be to have a girlfriend and life partner but in the short term who would turn down a fun day at the park like this?!  It was amazing.  I've never tried Tantric and now want to learn more and more including going to a course in Thailand (Agama Yoga).  Now there's a holiday tip that will have you all Googling after reading this ;) .  It might seem odd that I'm sharing this with you but I guess it's part of my self realisation and a bit part of Tantric is about sharing love to reach bliss.  I've had a lot of bliss recently ;)

The tantric massage videos became so widely spoke of that the scene below was a typical night at the local cafe (without the blur ;) ).  

Between all the Satsangs, massages and tantric fun I also did a lot of Bhajans.  Everyday by the Lady Ganga was a Bhajan run by a group who had been following Osho for more than 30 years and had some amazing songs/chants.  A large group would sit around playing guitars and flutes and this for me was on par with Tantric (seriously) for my bliss zones as we all joined in singing devotional songs together the energy was amazing.

The usual candidates of street sellers came in the guise of flower sellers (to make your offering to Ganga) on the beach.  They were charming kids who had acting skills worthy of a Lloyd Webber lead role just to ply 10 RS from you but after a while they became irritating.  I made some other friends at the beach:

a) The locals.  One day after swimming in Ganga I was approached by a gang of lads who just stood in front of me and said "Sir you have an amazing body".  Then all got their cameras out and took photos without asking.  One then walked over and put his arm around me whilst I just sat dumbstruck.  That my friends, is India!

b) The Cows.  I loved the cows in Rishikesh, especially the ones at the beach.  One day after swimming a cow came and cuddled up next to me like a dog.  However, my favourite was just after I'd been giving one a massage just like yer man below.  A rather annoying flower seller approached and despite my protest wouldn't leave.  The cow got up and using it's horns picked up the child and swung him away.  It was class.  

I LOVE COWS

Rishikesh was the first place I switched off my phone and stopped working.  KSV was doing great with new fundraising/sponsorship deals and my next project had been delayed.  I did, however, make a very special friend.  One day when I was hobbling along with my crutches, one of the many polio suffers sat by the side of the street (who really make you realise that having crutches for a couple of week isn't so bad) said "Hi how are you?" I replied that I was good and asked how he was.  His reply with a massive smile was "I'm really good".   What a legend.

I met up with Roopak most days, and like many other travellers took him for tea/lunch and a chat.  His story was bleak, mother died at birth, father didn't want anything to do with him and Auntie who had raised him died 5 years ago.  I'd rarely met such a positive character though.  

Roopak cooking me dinner

Since the late 1970s we all take our sugar cubes as kids in the western world, pulling a face as they taste bitter.  India only started this but this year the World Health Organization declared India no longer had a polio epicdemic which is amazing news.  For Roopak there is good news too as he is getting a prosthetic this July.  However, in the meantime, I was keen to help him do something that woudl encourage the idea of a sustainable income instead of begging so we came up with a poster saying he could offer basic Hindi/English phrases.  After the first day he bought me lunch :)  He is now also working on a music project and improving his English from a bought he bought with the money he's made in the last few weeks.

I'll be returning to Roopak in April (mainly to upgrade his poster below as A4 was the limit there!); there are loads of kids like Roopak wherever you travel and as well as having a need for an income often they just want a chat.

I had quite an adventure with Roopak.  He took me back to his house (below is his room) to show me how he lived.  We travelled for about 5 miles on his 3 wheeler handbike and although I thought I had good upper body strength, that beast proved that I don't!  It was crazy to be on a handbike in the madness of Indian traffic and 1/2 way home a spoke snapped and I got my 'MacGyver award' for fixing it on the roadside within minutes whilst locals watched in utter confusion at a handbike upside down, a polio sufferer lying on the road and a white guy with his hands covered in oil.

I saw with the family he lives with chanting devotional songs whilst Roopak cooked me dinner.  A fine dinner it was indeed!

Another positive thing I did in Rishikesh was whilst getting my hair cut.  The local barber wore a Liverpool FC top everyday.  I said to him that if he was going to cut my hair he needed to change his top to Blue and start supporting Everton.  Ladies and Gentlemen, on March 16th Everton beat Man City 2-0 and that same morning I got a haircut from the man below.  He is now an Everton supporter :)

Below is a montage of just some of the cool people I met in Rishikesh.  My favorite lines heard were:

A good friend from England was talking about hiring trekking gear for the Himalayas and when I suggested that she should check out the Hiking Boots at TK Maxx in Delhi she nearly exploded with excitement in the Restuarant saying in a cockney accent "THERE'S TK MAXX IN DELHI" .  Unfortunately for her it wasn't April 1st.

One of the gang told us one night about a pie factory where she worked and how she had gone to work one day with a wart on her hand and despite wearing gloves had come home with no wart.  Classy.

So after I left Rishikesh I spent the day in Delhi at the HQ of the next NGO I am working for and meeting friends before flying back to Euroland.  Dinner on my last night was a classic.  I hung out with a very cool Sikh family I know.  The father's English wasn't great but as he sat opposite me eating his Punjabi feast he asked the following questions:

What is your Age?

Do you have brother, sister?

How old parents?

Are you married?

He then got his mobile phone out of his pocket and took a photo of me as I was eating.  I love India.  To top it off, later that night at a local store I was with another member of the family who spotted a Sikh buying cigarettes told me that as smoking is forbidden apparently he could have punched the guy in the face (it's part of the religion).  Next time, I'm gonna carry my Turban with me ;)

So back in England, my visa process is going well and I've lots of news and am still in my bubble of bliss.......not quite as funny as what happens in India but I'll post it soon!

Namaste.