Saturday, December 14, 2013

Bangalore - all work no play

  • 1st class travel = 1st class assholes
  • The funny side of Indian Job Interviews
  • Ear rape (repeat offence)
  • Why Indians can ‘never’ say no

Last week I went to Bangalore to meet with some of the KSV supporters/donors and have interviews to recruit KSV a full time fundraiser.  Usually a feast for the material senses (hot showers, internet, good food and working phone network).  Here’s the carrot salad I got on my arrival. Go on go on …..spoil  yerself ;)


I decided to travel AC1 (1st class) on the sleeper train to Bangalore as only 1st and 2nd class were available so I thought for an extra $7 I’d see how the other half live.  India rail moves 25m passengers/day, runs like clockwork and upon first appearances AC1 didn’t disappoint.  I’ve done this route in AC3 and sleeper (3rd and 4th class) and usually sleep well in AC3 but the extra space, the soap in the toilets and bins which looked like they got used were quite a treat. 


The customers, however, were first class assholes.  Each and every one of them shouted into their phone until late at night. Each, also having their laptops open staring intensely at the screen as if to click ‘yes’ on a multimillion dollar transaction yet when I looked, they were playing solitaire.  They were older middle class Indians (one wore a stone washed denim jacket proof he travelled overseas regularly……last century).  
In all Indian trains there is the below sign.  With all the space in AC1 it’s very obvious. 


At midnight I was very surprised when the man with the denim jacket came into the cabin shouting into his phone.  That’s not so unusual on Indian Rail but I thought in AC1 people might be able to read.  He then switched all the lights on and flustered trying to make his bed for a while then buzzed (yes you have a buzzer in AC1) the guard.    The guard came in and he demanded (in English, I think it was to impress me which he would have done if he wasn’t being a prick and hadn’t woken me) that the guard make his bed.  He stood with his hands on his hips commanding instructions to the guard to tuck in the sheets extra well.  1st class cock.

Funnily enough on my 10cents bus journey to the train station I’d been treated to fruits and a paid ticket by a local family with their leaving comment (and only English) ‘please return to India’.  Like I said, funny how the other half live.

Previous times when I’d visited Bangalore it had been to meet corporate supporters and indulge in a bit of the nightlife after living life like a monk on the project.   This time I didn’t get party (UK/Ireland – you’re gonna have to help me out with that), instead my goal was to help recruit a permanent fundraiser for the school.  They have been looking for 2 years.  Some of the job applications we got were firkin hilarious.  One guy even included a picture of him in Washington DC saying ‘this is a picture of me in America’.  One cancelled his interview 1 hour before it was due on email stating ‘I will come at 1230 instead as this time suits me better’  when I had told him I had back to back meetings and could only meet him in the morning.  Fail.

It felt really weird wearing trousers with a belt and shoes.  I’ve got quite used to wearing a kurta and pajama pants (yes, half of me is now a skanger).   As I found a barber who spoke English I treated to myself  to a haircut and shave and was comforted in his ability to understand my ‘please don’t shave my forehead’.  I also got a head massage (50 cents……can’t go wrong).  The last time I did this was in Goa last year and the same thing happened (see photo at bottom of this blog).  Ear Rape.  The guy produced what looked like a small lawn mower engine and put it on the back of his hand.  Said device was a vibrator and he put his hand on my head then fingers in my ear. Shocking at first but after the initial freaky feeling quite pleasant.  Try it you might like it ;)

I managed to get a car and a driver donated for the 5 days I was there.  Driving in Bangalore does feel like an arcade driving game.  Luckily, my driver Vasu was by Indian standards safe, however, specialized in going against the flow of traffic and around roundabouts the wrong way.

My wheels in Bangalore....where good things come in small packages:


My first meeting was with a Indian music band manager who support the school.  It’s not often that you get the response to ‘so how’s business’ as ‘well it’s just Britney Spears and One Direction ahead of us on iTunes.  Classic.  A complete gentlemen and reminded me of how egos work when only a week before when I’d met a famous music promoter he had pointed at a venue saying “I have put on more than 100 gigs on here”, then paused and looked at me and said “Chris, how many gigs have I put on here?”.   I bet he travels first class on the train.

On the subject of ego, I got angry with Vasu one day which I’m a little ashamed of but it comes down to Indians not being able to say no.  Despite me calling ½ half before he was due to arrive (his response “I will be there in 15 minutes sar”) everyday Vasu was late without fail which resulted in me being late for meetings.  Something I do not do.  On the day of a very important meeting I’d emphasized the importance of arriving on time.   He was 45 minutes late then told me he had to leave early leaving me stranded for the rest of the day.  It wasn’t the end of the world but at the time my bank had locked not only my ATM but also my PIN and I had about $10 to my name which doesn’t last very long in Bangalore. 

To give you another example of Indians being too proud to saying “no” (instead wiggling their head and smiling) l booked a taxi to the train station (emphasizing that the hotel staff tell the taxi driver which train station I’m going to).  I reconfirmed when I got in the taxi and received gleaming smile and wiggling head, then 30 minutes later whilst picking his nose (he must have hit a nerve in his brain) he said ‘railway station or bus station sar’?
It was a treat to have the selection of food you can get in an Indian city.  I ate in 5* hotels which was exceptional cuisine but never feels like India just an AC bubble full of carbon copy American business men wearing jeans too high and shirts tucked in.  Some of the best food I had was around the back of the powerhouses of India’s business parks where all the IT workers gorged on the street food.  5 minutes walk from all the 5* restaurants and hotels you could have fantastic food and enjoy the real buzz of the place.  I ended up having lunch in one US Company during a meeting and was given a chicken dish.  I’m used to not mentioning I’m veg here as opposed to the west it’s the norm but the staff looked at me in horror and said ‘but all white people’ are meat eaters.   It's like the western reaction to veggies in the 1970s - so retro :)

The 5 days were busy right to the end.  I interviewed the last candidate on the train ending as it was pulling out of Bangalore train station.  I’m pretty confident we’ve found our guy which delights me. 

The new CEO for Wateraid India is working with my Fundraising strategy #1 goal to change the culture of the local organsation and we’re going to have a very good fundraiser to build KSV into an even more amazing project than it is now.  I’m still working with both organizations and doing some stuff with TED Talks India but I’m definitely leaving on a high.

One sad note for Christmas.  I had a few email requests for me to buy 18 again the vaginal tightening gel which is so subtlety advertised across Bangalore. 

 

The bad news is I found out how much it is.  $50US.  My present budget doesn't stretch that far.  It kinda sickens me that in a country where sex is such a suppressed subject advertisers are manipulating the uneducated section of the population with such shite.  I think there should be one for the gentlemen who want to be 18 again.  It retails here for about 50 cents and is probably just as useful as the $50 18 again ;)


Monday, December 9, 2013

I am SO lucky to be living here – Kalkeri Sangeet Vidyalaya, Dharwad. Pt II

My daily schedule part II
  • The work bootie call
  • Too many snakes in the shower
  • Hungry Caterpillars
  • A puppy in the toilet
After lunch I usually get a shower as by that time the water bucket has been in the sun for a while.  It’s a simple open hut made of bamboo with no roof so you often have monkies checking you out from above.  Last week after my first bucket of cold water I saw something move very close to my head and all of a sudden saw this (not my photo):



I did run out of the hut but unlike a friend Baptiste who witnessed the same last year I grabbed my towel.  Enough of the snake jokes.  The other volunteers came running to see the snake peg it up the tree.  As always, the creatures we most fear are bricking it when they see us.   However, 50,000 people die every year in India due to snake bites so it’s good to be cautious ;)  The night before I had made a fire and spent 10 minutes gathering wood and leaves in the dark (my headtorch was broken) from around where the shower is.  I won’t be doing that again in the dark!

Ants, Mosquitoes and Caterpillars are the only thing here that we regularly get stung from.  My mum used to read ‘The very hungry caterpillar’ to me when I was a toddler   and I never remember a baddie in a James Bond film putting a caterpillar in his bed but these bad boys are pretty poisonous if you touch them.  Quite pretty too:


Whilst on the subject of animals, I missed the dogs here.  Mama Love was my favorite and for the first few days I didn't see her around, then I found out she’d been nesting as she was pregnant.  The next few nights she chose my hut to nest outside, crying all night and digging a hold under the side of my wall.  She then found her best shelter to give birth in the toilet.  Safe considering some of the other dogs here eat puppies.  However, it had other dangers.  The day after her four puppies were born the water butt in the toilet overflowed on top of the puppies.  Had it not been for a passing volunteer hearing Mama Love’s screams they would have drowned.  It was quite a mess to rescue them as the toilet is a hole in the floor and two puppies ended up sliding down the hole.  Luckily all puppies were rescued and are fine.  This is her new nest.  A purpose built one :)





Before I go back to the office I like to do a head stand.  I know, aren’t  I special?  Teaching yoga everyday means I don’t get to practice much myself and a head stand is my asana of choice when I get the chance.  I try to hold it for +3 minutes.  Try doing that with mosquitoes biting you, monkies checking out the white eejit upside down from above in the trees and a dog licking your face.  It’s my daily challenge!

1345 Back to the office.  What do I do when I’m working? Well I’m trying to get supporters and funding for the school.  All 250 kids get accommodation, food, education and healthcare at no cost.  And each of those kids has come from a deprived background yet the school has given them hope and turned them into little Indians with a very bright future :).  If you’d like to sponsor a student click here.

Fundraising takes time.  It’s all about building relationships and last time I was here I met with +200 companies (thanks speed networking) and was hoping that some of the relationships would have developed into good partnerships.  Unfortunately despite the excellent management at the school the admin staff hadn't followed up.  Instead they did what I like to call a ‘Bootie call’.  Actually, scrap that, it was a ‘Pimped Bootie call’.  I introduced them to a good supporter last year.  The supporter helped the school and didn't get a thank you.  I inquired to Admin as to what the next stage was “well sar I shall call them when we need something”.  I used to be a fan of bootie calls until I realized that a proper relationship is far more rewarding.

Depending on how long my laptop battery lasts if the power is down I work until around 5 then go for a walk with the dogs and other volunteers.  If there’s enough time this could mean a walk to the local lake to bathe with the buffaloes and anything else that’s in the water or to Kalkeri the local village. 

The local lake and some of the villagers on their 'commuter run':




The end of the day is a peaceful time with all the farm workers returning from the fields.  To give you an example of the interactions we have, last week I spent 30 minutes trying to get a local boy to ride his bike (brakes not really working, flat tyres and a frame that could be used in Olympic weightlifting) to ride over some rough terrain.  I’m no MTB pro but I've some friends who are so I've learnt some techniques which I shared with this guy so watch out for future MTB champs coming from Kalkeri!

The village has a real charm at sunset.  The village is very rural yet used to seeing western volunteers so walking though you get a good balance of them acting out their lives whilst offering a smile and “what is your name”.   As I did last year, I took nearly 200 photos of the villagers and printed them to give out.  The distribution was a bit of a blood bath with all the kids jumping on me to get their photo first but a local auntie stepped in and calmed them down.  Then at one point I managed to run away from +20 screaming kids.  I guess my ankle is fixed now!  

Despite the development of requests for ‘photo photo’  since I've started printing them off I get an amazing reception in the village.  Every time I go to town I have families on the bus wanting to be my friend.   Last week, a lady picked up an orange peel from my lap and without saying anything just squeezed it into my eye.  She then did the same to her own eye showing that it didn't mean harm.   Oddly if felt quite refreshing, I think it might have been a one off though as I tried it yesterday and it hurt like hell.  After that same bus ride I got off and an Auntie came up to me, smiled and said Namaste then gave me half of her bags and pointed up the hill.  To be fair they usually carry more on their heads than I carry on my back so I complied to her order, I think she was one of the few I hadn't taken a photo of so fair is fair.

Here's a few photos from the village:


In the evening I go back to the office for a while to wrap up work and write this blog!  The evening is mosquito prime time so sitting in the office with the only lights coming from your laptop screen and your headtorch is a massive incentive for all the local flies, moths and mosquitoes to play kamikaze with your face.  It’s a lot more pleasant than Orange in the eye!

A few nights a week we have clubs for the kids which the volunteers run.  They can be anything from extra computer studies to capoeira (we have some very creative volunteers).  I've only taught kids yoga a few times but my achievement was getting 4 teenage boys to lie still in savasana for 4 minutes.  Unbelievable :)


The college boys also get extra lessons at night and I've been teaching them about socioeconomics and presentation skills.  They are very sharp lads and keen to get involved in helping the school whilst learning.  So to try and be more unique among 3.3m charities in India they are all putting together 30 second videos as to why this school is unique.  I’m proud of the lads!

Late Night:   So late night for me is 10pm.  After dinner I usually head to my hut to write my journal, yoga class prep or read.  Once in a while I pop to the volunteer house to socialize with the guys who are usually playing the guitar, singing and on ‘special’ nights eating cheese that a new volunteer will have brought. 

Days are very busy here so sleep comes easy.  All with the knowledge that the wakeup call will be the buzz of nature pierced by Hindustani vocals at 0530.  Amazing.  

Christmas prize (I'll bring something back from India) for the best caption (in the comments) on the below picture........this is my sponsor child holding the big stick:





Sunday, December 8, 2013

I am SO lucky to be living here – Kalkeri Sangeet Vidyalaya, Dharwad. Pt I

This is one of my favourite NGO projects in the world.  If you have any interest in music, a well run NGO and living in rural India then you have to check this place out.
  • A very very special place
  • The consequences of touching an Indian lady
  • What happens when the Yoga teacher breaks Ahimsa (non-violence)……Karma

Me in the local village.......just out for a walk


Arriving back at KSV at the beginning of November is an odd time to arrive.  The c250 kids are on holiday so bar a few families of the skeleton staff the place is empty.  It did, however, give me some quiet time to catch up on office work.  I was also delighted to be there for Diwali as a) I hate having firecrackers thrown in my face in the cities and b) there was ‘festival food’ at the school which beats school dinners.

Now that the kids have come back life is very different.  There’s an amazing energy and despite me not working with the kids as I’ve been here a few times lots of them know my name (here it’s 'Krrish' which they sometimes confuse with an Indian superhero - just for the record I'm not a fan of wearing PVC...so it's not me).    I don’t have kids but love the energy and love I get from just my godson so when there are 250 running around the place it’s really quit special ( and a little noisy).  You feel truly lucky when you are walking around here, the best climate in India (25-30 degrees energy everyday).   

Here's a video I made last year (and this is QUIET as all the kids are in class)...


Now that I’ve been here just over a month, an average day looks something like this:

0530 Wake up with the noise of kids moving (250 kids living on campus in the forest is pretty noisy!).  Shine my torch across the floor to check for creepies, have a quick bucket wash and throw some clothes on.  Quickest ‘wake up’ so far, seeing a big spider run out of my t-shirt under torch light.  I now keep all and my yoga mat off the floor (I once had a snake coiled up under my yoga mat!). 

0545 I head to the mud hut where I teach yoga 6 days/week.  I go via lots of cobwebs and the toilet shining the torch into the water bucket first hoping there are no rats there.  Then I get there early to get the place full of incense smoke and turn on the music so that there is a chilled ambiance when the sleepy punters arrive.  Despite this being Southern India it’s cold early in the morning.  I've even had my yoga students turn up with hats on a few times (but cold here is 13 degrees ;) )

0600 – Yoga class for staff and volunteers and is usually done by torch for the first 45 mins as there is no electricity.  Before the kids came back morning yoga was at 0630 and I once saw a massive spider run across someone’s yoga mat during Savasana (meditation).  Now it’s at 0600 and dark.  We don’t see anything.  


This is the kids doing their yoga....


The only real pest during Yoga is mosquitoes.  As the teacher I should really be practicing Ahimsa and not killing anything but for mosquitoes I ignore that rule. On two occasions I've had immediate Kama when trying to slap a mosquito in a yoga asana by me falling over on my ass.

I've only had one female member of staff come a few times and the first was quite a shock.  I’m conscious not to invade the space of Indian women.  It’s just the rules but I’d already asked this one if it was OK if I gave her a very gentle massage during savasana.  I might as well have slapped her.  She jumped up in horror when I touched her.  Not the best savasana ;)


I've loved teaching the class as this is the first time I've had regulars so I can build up and add new stuff such as music and dance meditation.  And that’s when the children usually poke their heads through the window. They do music practice from 0600-0715 but if they hear music will run up the hill to watch the adults dance like mad loons.

This is what I wake up to every morning - pretty special!


0730 – Class finishes I head to the office to check my email (when there is no-one else there ‘sometimes’ the internet runs quicker so I can sync easily).  Some days there is no internet so getting in quick is important!

0800 – Nashta/Breakfast.  The volunteers usually eat together for this on the steps outside of the kitchen.  My favourite quote over Nasta “Did you wake with the cock this morning?” from a Belgian volunteer who it seems was referring to this:


0830 – Before work I hang out all my bed linen to kill off any bed bugs (I've had bed bugs and fleas this just helps in the war against infestation!).  I also sweep my floor to discourage unwanted visitors (regular visitors include frogs, lizards and spiders (none of which I mind as they eat flies :) ), ants one snake and luckily no scorpions so far).  This is usually the time when the monkies also arrive in their gang and cause havoc by breaking into our huts in search of food.  I had my room destroyed a few times on my last stay here but since then I've stopped eating bananas (odd one I know) and no longer shout or throw stuff at monkies I just ignore them.  And this time, not a single visit from the little buggers.  Ahimsa does pay……happy days :)

Morning time in the office:  Quite a treat as there is usually power which means I’m not watching my battery icon or frustrated as I cannot work on the internet.  If there is no power at all then I jump on the bus at 0915 and head to the nearest town (1 hour) away to work there. I work in the only cafĂ© with wifi.  Opened only in October, Cafelicious is where all the local cool kids go to have their pictures taken with their shades on.  It’s firkin hilarious.  It’s also made me realize I no longer like coffee (don’t quote me on this when I’m back in Euroland).  I hadn't had coffee in about 3 months then on seeing the fancy expresso machines at Cafelicious indulged in two days of caffeine.  I felt so rough and decided that I am 100% a tea chap, and a herbal one at that.  I surprise the staff at Cafelicious on every visit by asking to have the AC and ‘One Direction’ on loop switched off.   Despite a few young lads coming in to take their photo drinking coffee (see it IS cool) I’m usually the only customer so can ask kindly that I my office on the corner table is non AC sin musica– sorry lads this is not bollywood.

If there is power I stay in the school.  I usually spend the first 30 minutes locked into my emails with my headphones on as the office gets noisy with all the staff arriving.  This is not the wisest move.  My music choice is often soft Indian classical music, however, sometimes the shuffle arrives on a random song like the nice hip hop jingle from Meek Mill “Face Down Ass Up”.  So as I’m greeting the staff with a smile, a nod and sometimes a prayer motion my ears are listening to “Face Down Ass Up……That’s the way we like to f@ck”.  Luckily what comes out of my mouth is “Namaste, Auntie”.

When there is power at the office the internet is a slow churn but it works. The bigger issue for me is network coverage.  There is no coverage in the office so I constantly get SMSs when walking out saying please call me.  Then when the network gives me a tease and I get a call I have to bolt it out f the office and run down a mud path or better still all the way to the office where I get three bars!


Lunch is around 1300, there are two sessions so that the 250 kids don’t all have to squeeze into the yogashala together.  A bell rings and the first half rush out to wash their hands (there only ticket to a plate) then queue up for their school dinners.  

Proof of clean hands in exchange for a plate


Noodles (a fav at breakfast)


Food serving


The food is basic but has improved massively since last time, with a new nutrition review so despite a really tight budget (about 10 cents per student/meal)  with a lot more veggies and even sprout dishes.  Meals are often a power struggle from the kids to get your attention and time to sit with them.  

Although we probably shouldn't have a preference, mine is with the small girls (I sponsor Sujata who is in first standard - sitting with her and her mates are hilarious).  And with the college boys as they provide the most stimulating conversations. 

Sujata and her mates....



I guess there is a danger having someone who’s favored social topic of the year has been tantra talk to the college boys but apart from swearing my conversations are squeaky clean here.  We do have frank chats about alcohol (one of them was told it gives them more muscles!), girls and drugs.   The boys are bright, seriously bright.  Great examples of how children in extreme poverty with no hope of education can be rescued by an NGO and end up having really bright futures. :)

I also spend time with the college boys on the bus when I’m going to the local town and I let them listen to my iPod.  The shuffle is switched off so they never get to hear Meek Mill with his timeless “Face Down Ass Up”.  The last dose they got included Vanessa Mae (a few are violin players), Tchaikovsky , Broken Bullets, Tuba Skinny and DJ Schomolli.  Sharing music with musicians is always a pleasure especially when they've had little exposure to western stuff.  

Best they never hear this.....The lyrical Meek Mill at 1.51 on this video


Here's just some of the 100s of photos of the students here.......too many happy faces to snap :)