Bangalore - all work no play

• 1^st class travel = 1^st class assholes
• The funny side of Indian Job Interviews
• Ear rape (repeat offence)
• Why Indians can ‘never’ say no

Last week I went to Bangalore to meet with some of the KSV supporters/donors and have interviews to recruit KSV a full time fundraiser.  Usually a feast for the material senses (hot showers, internet, good food and working phone network).  Here’s the carrot salad I got on my arrival. Go on go on …..spoil  yerself ;)

I decided to travel AC1 (1^st class) on the sleeper train to Bangalore as only 1^st and 2^nd class were available so I thought for an extra $7 I’d see how the other half live.  India rail moves 25m passengers/day, runs like clockwork and upon first appearances AC1 didn’t disappoint.  I’ve done this route in AC3 and sleeper (3^rd and 4^th class) and usually sleep well in AC3 but the extra space, the soap in the toilets and bins which looked like they got used were quite a treat. 

The customers, however, were first class assholes.  Each and every one of them shouted into their phone until late at night. Each, also having their laptops open staring intensely at the screen as if to click ‘yes’ on a multimillion dollar transaction yet when I looked, they were playing solitaire.  They were older middle class Indians (one wore a stone washed denim jacket proof he travelled overseas regularly……last century).  

In all Indian trains there is the below sign.  With all the space in AC1 it’s very obvious. 

At midnight I was very surprised when the man with the denim jacket came into the cabin shouting into his phone.  That’s not so unusual on Indian Rail but I thought in AC1 people might be able to read.  He then switched all the lights on and flustered trying to make his bed for a while then buzzed (yes you have a buzzer in AC1) the guard.    The guard came in and he demanded (in English, I think it was to impress me which he would have done if he wasn’t being a prick and hadn’t woken me) that the guard make his bed.  He stood with his hands on his hips commanding instructions to the guard to tuck in the sheets extra well.  1^st class cock.

Funnily enough on my 10cents bus journey to the train station I’d been treated to fruits and a paid ticket by a local family with their leaving comment (and only English) ‘please return to India’.  Like I said, funny how the other half live.

Previous times when I’d visited Bangalore it had been to meet corporate supporters and indulge in a bit of the nightlife after living life like a monk on the project.   This time I didn’t get party (UK/Ireland – you’re gonna have to help me out with that), instead my goal was to help recruit a permanent fundraiser for the school.  They have been looking for 2 years.  Some of the job applications we got were firkin hilarious.  One guy even included a picture of him in Washington DC saying ‘this is a picture of me in America’.  One cancelled his interview 1 hour before it was due on email stating ‘I will come at 1230 instead as this time suits me better’  when I had told him I had back to back meetings and could only meet him in the morning.  Fail.

It felt really weird wearing trousers with a belt and shoes.  I’ve got quite used to wearing a kurta and pajama pants (yes, half of me is now a skanger).   As I found a barber who spoke English I treated to myself  to a haircut and shave and was comforted in his ability to understand my ‘please don’t shave my forehead’.  I also got a head massage (50 cents……can’t go wrong).  The last time I did this was in Goa last year and the same thing happened (see photo at bottom of this blog).  Ear Rape.  The guy produced what looked like a small lawn mower engine and put it on the back of his hand.  Said device was a vibrator and he put his hand on my head then fingers in my ear. Shocking at first but after the initial freaky feeling quite pleasant.  Try it you might like it ;)

I managed to get a car and a driver donated for the 5 days I was there.  Driving in Bangalore does feel like an arcade driving game.  Luckily, my driver Vasu was by Indian standards safe, however, specialized in going against the flow of traffic and around roundabouts the wrong way.

My wheels in Bangalore....where good things come in small packages:

My first meeting was with a Indian music band manager who support the school.  It’s not often that you get the response to ‘so how’s business’ as ‘well it’s just Britney Spears and One Direction ahead of us on iTunes.  Classic.  A complete gentlemen and reminded me of how egos work when only a week before when I’d met a famous music promoter he had pointed at a venue saying “I have put on more than 100 gigs on here”, then paused and looked at me and said “Chris, how many gigs have I put on here?”.   I bet he travels first class on the train.

On the subject of ego, I got angry with Vasu one day which I’m a little ashamed of but it comes down to Indians not being able to say no.  Despite me calling ½ half before he was due to arrive (his response “I will be there in 15 minutes sar”) everyday Vasu was late without fail which resulted in me being late for meetings.  Something I do not do.  On the day of a very important meeting I’d emphasized the importance of arriving on time.   He was 45 minutes late then told me he had to leave early leaving me stranded for the rest of the day.  It wasn’t the end of the world but at the time my bank had locked not only my ATM but also my PIN and I had about $10 to my name which doesn’t last very long in Bangalore. 

To give you another example of Indians being too proud to saying “no” (instead wiggling their head and smiling) l booked a taxi to the train station (emphasizing that the hotel staff tell the taxi driver which train station I’m going to).  I reconfirmed when I got in the taxi and received gleaming smile and wiggling head, then 30 minutes later whilst picking his nose (he must have hit a nerve in his brain) he said ‘railway station or bus station sar’?

It was a treat to have the selection of food you can get in an Indian city.  I ate in 5* hotels which was exceptional cuisine but never feels like India just an AC bubble full of carbon copy American business men wearing jeans too high and shirts tucked in.  Some of the best food I had was around the back of the powerhouses of India’s business parks where all the IT workers gorged on the street food.  5 minutes walk from all the 5* restaurants and hotels you could have fantastic food and enjoy the real buzz of the place.  I ended up having lunch in one US Company during a meeting and was given a chicken dish.  I’m used to not mentioning I’m veg here as opposed to the west it’s the norm but the staff looked at me in horror and said ‘but all white people’ are meat eaters.   It's like the western reaction to veggies in the 1970s - so retro :)

The 5 days were busy right to the end.  I interviewed the last candidate on the train ending as it was pulling out of Bangalore train station.  I’m pretty confident we’ve found our guy which delights me. 

The new CEO for Wateraid India is working with my Fundraising strategy #1 goal to change the culture of the local organsation and we’re going to have a very good fundraiser to build KSV into an even more amazing project than it is now.  I’m still working with both organizations and doing some stuff with TED Talks India but I’m definitely leaving on a high.

One sad note for Christmas.  I had a few email requests for me to buy 18 again the vaginal tightening gel which is so subtlety advertised across Bangalore. 

 

The bad news is I found out how much it is.  $50US.  My present budget doesn't stretch that far.  It kinda sickens me that in a country where sex is such a suppressed subject advertisers are manipulating the uneducated section of the population with such shite.  I think there should be one for the gentlemen who want to be 18 again.  It retails here for about 50 cents and is probably just as useful as the $50 18 again ;)