Most Happy Morning Sir

My first morning back in the jungle was indeed a happy one, it was great breathing in some country air (more kerosene and burning rubbish than diesel and sewage!).  Not that I don’t like the luxury of being in a city for a while but I'd missed the uniqueness of waking up to the sound of the children practising music at 530, and the high fives from the smiling children walking back from yoga by the lake.  Bangalore still had some stories and here's a few:

•      Flack Does a Bollywood dance off at an illegal gay house party
•      Pepper spray - when to use it and when to avoid it
•      I attempt Rosemance - Indian style
•      Hindi Lindy or Bolly Hop?
•      I enter a wet t-shirt competition at a Literature festival
•      I brick it on a bike
•           The perfect last minute Christmas present

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My last few days in Bangalore were fantastic.  We met +150 companies during our stay (speed networking baby!) and have started to see the rewards already.    However, the bright lights of Bangalore still provided a few laughs:

• On our last day my work colleague left the fridge open overnight and when I asked why he said “its’ still on – see the light is on”. 
• During one networking meeting there was a powercut and all the lights went.  Someone farted (in a room of CXOs) and NO-ONE laughed.  I nearly fell over laughing but that’s india!
• I had a rosmantic night out with a city girl and as my mum brought me up 'proper' I attempted some quality dating etiquette.  Picture this, me walking down the street with a stunning Indian girl and I’m trying to walk on the outside of the road (brownie points) avoiding cows, cow dung, live electric wires hanging down and bits of the pavement missing (plus a lovely odour of sewage).  We actually ended up at her friend’s house party, a gay party.  Bear in mind despite India claiming a modernised culture, homosexuality is still illlegal.  It was, however, a hilarious night in which I did a Bollywood dance off.  I was never gonna win that against a gay guy, even with my hips!  The only downer of the party was a random trying chemical warfare by spraying pepper spray.  Let’s just say it killed the Rosemance (temporarily ;) )
• On our last day in Bangalore the school orchestra completed the last of their four performances at the Bangalore Arts Festival.  A splendid performance, apart from my own.  The one day I chose to wear a white Khurta when I was going to be meeting some of India's high brow literature crew .....just after eating a curry.  So, there I was over the sink wishing I'd packed a mini bar of vanish soap in my backpack to remove the curry from my shirt when one of the project supporters spots me and waves me over to introduce me to his friends all of whom were well known poets and authors.  First impressions last.  Yes Mr White See Through Shirt.  
• Just after my shirt had dried and I'd regained my composure I bumped into Aileen, a friend from Ireland.  I always meet people I know walking down Grafton Street but with odds of 1 in a billion here it seems the luck of the Iroish is rubbing off on me!

Things had changed when I came back to the school.  We finally had solar power in the office which meant we no longer had the constant phrase of ‘no battery’ and emails failing to download as the generator coughed up it’s last kerosene   It also meant I no longer had a good excuse to go for a walk in the jungle with the dogs at 4 everyday (when my laptop battery used to run out).  The dogs are about as far from pedigree as you can get. Incest, Rape and Public Porn seem to be the general pastimes of dogs in developing countries and the dogs here are pros.  Every day they'd form a tough gang walking along until they'd all slow down at edge of the first farm where the one eyed dog lives.  If there was ever an advert for Rabies he’d be it.  The only dog who stays around is 'Muscular' as he is made of steel; if One Eye comes towards him he just stares him out.  Muscular doesn't even bark, he’s the Vinnie Jones of dogs and lucky for me he’s on my side.   

Muscular trying to mess with the local cows and realising he's not that big:




Since coming back from Bangalore the dogs are on heat so to prevent warfare (and as there is no pepper spray in the jungle) I just take the lads out.  I’ve even been running a few times through the jungle with the lads, very cool terrain to run; especially when you see how freaked out Captain Rabies is when he sees a sweaty tall white guy moving fast surrounded by 4 dogs. 

Here's the four lads.  Great companions on a run!



'Mumma Love' - The lady dog (she ain't no biatch) who is confined to the school at the moment as we've run out of Pepper Spray:



The solar power means I now have my phone charged all the time (so please call me!).  However, unfortunately it doesn't charge the lights so it still means writing this blog is an effort as I have to sit here in the dark with a head torch on acting as a Mosquito Magnet.

One of the workers chilling out after a hard day of fitting solar panels:



Gargamel and Papa Smurf hanging out: 

I had made some other new animal friends whilst being away.  About 1/3 of the floor in my hut was covered in Ants.  They had kindly entered my metal food box and started to nibble on some perishables.  I thought I was being sensible when I cleared out all the ants and food box.  Only problem was I left some bananas on my bed.  Monkies like bananas so ½ hour later they had lifted a few tiles off my roof and had a little party.  They took enough food to feed an army and I’m just glad I arrived back when I did as they’d started to unwrap a packet of johnnies.  As a friend suggested ‘sīmius interruptus'?

Despite constant room raids from the Monkies (4 and counting this week) I'm delighted to be back in the camp.  After all the luxuries of the big city it was good to be back to raw India.  It was funny to think that only a week ago I was in a restaurant which was so high profile our car got a bomb check in the car park and now I’m back on my 7 cent meals in the jungle.  My first night back we sat drinking warm milk (they fixed the stove), listening to French jazz, eating cheese someone had brought down from Delhi under a perfect star lit sky.  That beats any 5* in Bangalore.

Some of the smiling faces that welcomed me back from Bangalore:









I must be the only person in the world who enjoys the traffic in Bangalore; oddly I found the madness calming.  Imagine the busiest junction you've ever seen on a day when the traffic lights aren't working and all the cars are driving as if they are playing Grand Theft Auto with extra points for driving on the opposite side of the road.  Driving to meetings back at the school is a little different.  Yesterday I rode pillion on a motorbike without a helmet (sorry mum, this is India) over pot holes at 50 kph and avoiding a dog running across a Highway only to see it smash against the front of a truck.  We then ran out of petrol, I changed bike and a truck in front of us lost its load (bricks) and we hit a few and skidded (again, sorry mum!).  It was at that point I regretted not wearing a helmet but we were fine.  The meeting was the best we've had so far and it looks like a big sponsorship deal on the way so well worth the trip.

Some of our sponsorship is for sports equipment as basic a single cricket ball.  The kids here are entertained by the simplest of things.  If you would like to sponsor one of these amazing children (the perfect Christmas gift!) please click here




I have some German 'Dancin' mates that arrived at the school today so we'll be teaching the kids some Charleston tomorrow.  I already had a few swingouts with a friend from the UK in Bangalore (much to the amusement of the locals) so I'm looking forward to 200 children's faces crackin up when they watch a white man dance!

I'm off on hols next week.  Firstly to Hampi then to Goa for Christmas with friends and The Sunburn festival.  I seriously cannot wait.  I'll be back here for New Years.  As a sign of the sort of celebrating we do here below is our the Christmas display the volunteers have made.  I'm the horse bottom left (the one with the beard)

HAPPY CHRISTMAS LADIES AND GENTS!

Can you touch your ear with your hand...?

Go on, give your work colleagues a laugh and try it.

Meet Sewal.  He joined me for my weekly three hour walk to Dharwad this week.  He didn’t speak any English and I don’t speak any Kannada but as locals find it very odd that us pasty folk walk without something on our heads or a cow in tow Sewal took pity and joined me.  After finding common ground in the word ‘yoga’ he started pulling his arm around his back in positions and to be honest this was the least challenging.  So, can you touch your ear with your hand behind your back?  I’m not sure what chakra this opens but judging from Sewal’s protruding ears I’m not sure I want to try.

Headlines this week:   

•     I get lucky with Axel Rose
•       All of a sudden there are a lot of virgins in India
•       A posing scorpion at the school
•       Banguluru Baby – Croquet, Celebrities and CEOs
•       Mr Flack starts to get the Indian pace and eats some humble pie

In preparation for my trip to meet corps in Bangalore I realised I my only footwear (Havianas) needed an upgrade.  With no Barker stockists in site I was left with only one pair of shoes in the shop that didn’t have ‘cool’ or ‘sport’ written down the side and enquired if they had it in my size.  The lady beamed with enthusiasm at the fact that the only white boy in town was a potential customer and rushed off to her pyramid of shoe boxes.  She came back beaming “yes size right, yes size right” and I opened the box to see a pair of 'special' shoes with a Velcro strap.  Nothing like the shoes I’d chosen.  She then explained that “size right but not same shoe” and seemed dumbfounded when I smiled, thanked her and walked out.

Just before I left for Bangalore we started evening activities with the kids last week and as I’m teaching the volunteers yoga in the mornings I decided to teach the kids yoga in the evening.  Bad choice.  Firstly, they are Indian so come out of the womb in Lotus pose.  Secondly, I forgot it started at sunset and we don’t have any electricity.  The class went well bearing in mind one of the kids went into scorpion pose before I’d even started the class (it’s ‘quite’ a hard one!), we had no light for most of the practice and were on a patch of land where scorpions have been found quite regularly in the last few weeks.

The scorpion pose (catalogue photo – expect to see one of me doing this at the end of Feb!)

I’m now in Bangalore right now which is 5* living by comparison to my jungle digs (I have ELECTRICITY).  The journey, however, was a little bit less luxurious.  I travelled via Hubli as my colleague wanted me to meet his family which was a very humbling experience.  The family sat and watched as I ate what was possibly the most lavish meal they’d prepared all year.  It was gorgeous but the family weren’t eating, instead just watching me.  They had the TV on full blast so we couldn’t even speak, something the locals tend to do as a sign of wealth (Royale Family style); they also had a set of cutlery on the table wrapped in cellophane (so I obviously wasn’t ‘that’ special!). 

Hubli train station is a perfect cocktail of modern India.  The state transport minister is from Hubli so it got the swish new train station but there are still traditional Indian habits such as a family carrying grandma down off the platform and across the tracks into the train on the other side all whilst a big diesel engine is cruising in just a few hundred metres away.  The last leg of the trip was a 10 hour sleeper train.  Simple, I’ve done these before I could do them again.  No.  Firstly, we were on the waiting list and had had no confirmation.  So we boarded the train and our fate was with an Indian Railway worker who looked like he meant business: bullet line moustache, blazer, clip on tie, chinos, clipboard and Hi-Tec trainers.  We got a bed 1hour into the journey at which point all the lights are off and you cannot see where your bed/luggage is.  Secondly, we were in Sleeper class.  I know all the ‘cool’ travellers go sleeper as it’s hardcore but I’m a lightweight; I have Egyptian Cotton 800 count on my bed at home and which I even iron for special (!) occasions AND I’d travelled 3AC (3^rd class) here before and it had been fine.  Our Sleeper carriage smelt so strongly of urine I had to put tea tree under my nose to stop myself wrenching.  To top it all off the clientele seemed totally different to my nice cosy 3^rd class; it was like an Olympics of snoring, coughing up phlegm, nose picking and farting.  You’ll be glad to hear that England’s medal count this time was zero; pretty close to my hours of sleep (and not a good start when meeting corporates!).  I’m treating my colleague to 3^rd class on the way back (it’s 4euros more each!)

I make it look cosy but it wasn't!

It felt odd putting on trousers and a shirt for my meetings after getting used to the nice loose cotton of a Kurta.  

Me showing off my threads and Croquet (!) skills upon arrival in Bangalore

Luckily I had the India seal of approval as a Bengaluru mosquito targeted right in the middle of my forehead the night before my first meeting giving me a pretty little red Bindi.  The meetings have been going very well; in the last two weeks I’ve met CEOs of the biggest Telcoms and Construction companies in Southern India, all we have to do now is get some money from them!  And Bangalore is quite the treat. A friend from back home, Gopal has family here who have made sure I’m looked after well here.  And as a personal treat I’ve taken a few excursions:

·         One to the cinema to see Skyfall.  ½ way through the film stopped for a break.  All normal except when they started the film again they started it 30 minutes too early.  It reminded me of an experience at a cinema in Cochambamba (Bol) once where after the break they put on the second half of a different film. People were so pleased just to be at the cinema that no-one complained!

·         The Dentist.  Based on my experience with the barber where upon stressing not to trim my beard a number of times he chopped right through it I thought I’d take a chance with my teeth.  Once I saw the ‘House and Gardens’ in reception I knew I’d be OK.  It’s so cheap that I’m getting my teeth blinged up this wknd.

·         As I’ve had 1 beer in the last month I thought I’d head out on the lash.   I took my colleague to Floor 13, one of the hippest bars in Bangalore.  My colleague doesn’t drink so the night became a bit one sided ½ way through my second mojito I was approached by a Budwiser promotions team to take part in a competition with the subject being Guns and Roses.  The hardest question was “What is the lead singer’s name” so I won a nights supply of Bud.  Only problem was my colleague is t-total and the only social topic he likes to talk about is his girlfriend. An amazing boys night out, on my own!

We have been meeting corporates most days in 5* hotels, a real contrast from camping in the jungle.  It’s odd when you turn up and as the token white boy stroll straight through the security gate with your Indian colleague getting harassed every time (he should drink more ;) ).  From all the hotels I’ve seen my favourite was the aptly named ‘Shilton Royale’ which I’m guessing is either a Peter Shilton themed hotel where all the staff have really big hands or a very very bad Hilton.  With 7am meetings and long hours I have asked myself why I’m doing this.  However, when I stand up in front of a group of CxOs to present on the cause and look down and instead of seeing the cuff of a posh shirt and an Omega watch strap I see a friendship bracelet that Deepa a 7 year old student at the school gave me I know.  That my friends is real power dressing.

For those of you who’ve had the pleasure of working with me ;) you’ll know that I’m like a freight train; I push hard to get what I want and don’t stop until goals are achieved.  Unfortunately, that doesn’t bode well with Indian culture - Calmarte Mr Flack!  It works fine in Bangalore which is almost un-Indian in how western the corp world is. However, working with a colleague who grew up in rural India has really made me slow down and listen to how I’m working.  My colleague is a bright guy who speaks 5 languages and has a Degree in Commerce but he’s not used to new India.  For example, when we arrived in the apartment (a very nice apartment donated for the week!) he suggested I would not want the room with an ensuite as I’d prefer a toilet further from my room.  Every 5* Hotel we go to he has a photo out the front and yesterday when we met Raghu Dixit the famous indie singer (lovely guy but unfortunate second name as they is pronounce it ‘ck-sh’ here) my colleague sat in star struck silence until the end when he said ‘Photo’. 

'Photo' of Mr Dixit

Raghu is helping our school out with support and music workshops (he’s played at Glastonbury and with Adele on Later with Jools Holland……..and I sat in his recording studio listening to his new album!)

I have to admit got a little star struck today when we met the proprietor of one of Bangalore’s top bars (Café Noir) and as a French guy he said when we return to perform a gig with the school children he would prove to me that Indian wine is just as good as the rest of the new world wine.  Happy days.  My colleague once again sat in silence next to me until the end of the meeting when he said ‘Photo’ quietly.  Seems the other side of me was sat one of Bollywood’s big stars (Jagapati Babu).  I tell ya it’s all happening here!

Working in Kalkeri showed me a part of India few people get to see.  I’m sometimes jealous of some of my friends who are sunning themselves on beaches or unpeeling their spiritual divine (!) in Ashrams when I’m working hard but I’m seeing something very simple.  I spoke to a child at the school a few weeks ago who was being inquisitive about the world and my travels.  He had never been out of the village as his parents couldn't afford to go anywhere else, the cycle of poverty meant it was a struggle for them to even go elsewhere for work.  And yet he is now getting an education which should go towards changing that.  I look forward to telling him all about Bangalore when I return in 4 days.

So before I leave Bangalore I have to tell you about the biggest advertising campaign I’ve seen.  India is one of the most sexually conservative countries I’ve been to (Syria is more frisky than this place!)  but adverts for ’18again’ are everywhere.  18 again is all about VJJ rejuvenation.  No-one even says the word 'sex' out loud in India and yet this is on mainstream TV each night.  One of the oddest commercials I have ever seen:

Funny sentences this week:

“Do you have any questions” – “Yes I have no questions”

 “If I’m a driving rash please call 1800 ###” on the back of the car (..obviously 18again does have some customers)

I’ve finally booked my tickets to Sunburn in Goa.  Christmas is gonna be amazin –  an Iroish crew turnin up and a few special lindy mates from Germanyland too :)